How Being The “Sex Gatekeeper” Can Kill Desire…

The Burden of Being the "Sex Gatekeeper" — And How It Can Impact Desire in Relationships

As a woman, I’ve heard countless variations of the same message throughout my life: “Boys only want one thing,” “If you keep your legs closed, you won’t get pregnant,” or “Dress modestly so you don’t tempt anyone.” These messages all carry a heavy and unrealistic expectation—placing the burden of chastity and sexual control on one person, often the female partner. That’s a lot of responsibility to carry.

There are many directions this topic could go (and I plan to revisit them), but for this article, I want to focus on how being cast as the “sex gatekeeper” can influence sexual desire—particularly within long-term relationships or marriage.

In my therapy practice, I frequently work with women who were taught to discourage sexual advances. But here’s the twist: when advances are consensual, mutual, and wanted, they can be incredibly exciting. That mutual energy—“I want them and they want me!”—can spark significant desire.

I often remind clients of the passion they once felt during long make-out sessions before sex was “allowed.” Why were those moments so charged? Because desire was building, and expression was limited.

But after marriage, once sex becomes permissible, that same person often unconsciously resumes the gatekeeping role. Now, instead of navigating forbidden desire, they’re navigating routine—and often, disconnection.

For many, sex didn’t turn out to be what they’d hoped. They may not know how to access pleasure, or how to talk about what they want—especially if sexuality was a taboo subject growing up. For many women, even discussing sex feels shameful.

When one person is tasked with regulating all sexual activity, it becomes a source of imbalance. Shared sexuality means shared exploration, mutual curiosity, and co-creation of pleasure. When couples embrace mutual responsibility, they reduce shame and increase connection.

If this resonates with you, and you're ready to explore what desire and sexual fulfillment can look like in your life, I’d be honored to work with you.