Coming out later in Life: A Gay Man’s Journey

For many gay men raised in conservative religious communities, the journey toward self-acceptance is anything but linear. For some, the process of coming out happens in their teens or early adulthood. But for others—especially those raised in high-demand religions like Mormonism—this step can come much later in life, often after decades of emotional suppression, shame, and self-denial.

Growing Up Gay in the LDS Church

Growing up in a faith tradition that emphasizes heteronormative family structures, strict moral codes, and eternal salvation through obedience can place an enormous emotional burden on anyone who feels “different.” For gay boys in the Mormon Church, messages about purity, worthiness, and eternal families can quickly morph into messages of fear, unworthiness, and eternal exclusion.

These men often become masters of compartmentalization. Many marry, raise children, serve missions, or become community leaders—all while burying parts of themselves they fear will never be accepted. The cost of that internal split? Often, it’s profound.

The Role of Shame and the Turn Toward Substances

Shame is not the same as guilt. Guilt says “I did something wrong.” Shame says “I am something wrong.” For many late-in-life gay men, this shame is pervasive and deeply tied to religious teachings that frame same-sex attraction as sinful or deviant.

Over time, shame that goes unprocessed can fester. It becomes unbearable. And in an effort to quiet the internal war, many turn to substances—alcohol, prescription pills, stimulants—not out of recklessness, but survival. Substances become a coping mechanism, a way to numb the pain, quiet the intrusive thoughts, or find fleeting moments of connection and release.

Coming Out Isn’t a Cure—But It Can Be the Beginning

Coming out later in life is courageous. It often means unraveling a tightly wound identity and rebuilding a life on new terms. But it doesn’t automatically erase decades of religious trauma, internalized homophobia, or substance use patterns.

In therapy, we often talk about integration—bringing all parts of ourselves into the room. That includes the faithful boy who wanted to be good, the man who learned to hide to survive, the addict who numbed to cope, and the person now seeking healing and wholeness.

There Is No Shame in Seeking Support

If this story resonates with you or someone you love, know this: you are not alone, and there is no expiration date on healing. Working with a therapist who understands the intersections of sexuality, religion, trauma, and addiction can be a powerful step forward. Therapy offers space not only to process pain—but to rediscover joy, authenticity, and connection.

You are not broken. You are becoming.